ANALYTIC GRIEVANCE

My heart was beating as fast as it could. If it did any more, it would come out of my mouth now. Although I was doing this for the umpteenth time in my life, I felt as if I was a virgin at this task. The room was darker than what it should be, inhibiting my any vision. I had not only to find my way, but also do all this without making any noise. I walked on my toes, avoiding as little contact with the floor as possible. My feet were like those of a kathak dancer, it was impossible for them to not make any sound. I reached the dressing table, felt all the drawers up and down through my long fingers, and then calculatedly opened the third from the top on my left. Amazingly, as I literally bit my own teeth with the scare of breaking the pin drop silence while unlocking the drawer with its key, I managed to pull the drawer with zero decibel sound. I almost clapped with joy, but stopped again at the thought of breaking the silence. Again letting my fingers run through the items inside, I managed to find my mother’s secret purse in which remained thousands of rupees from so long that she did not remember it herself how many were there! It was my monthly routine to steal a couple of thousand rupees from that purse in the night without my mother’s knowledge. I had spent around 25-30,000 rupees in the last 5 years without her notice. My mother was the principal of a convent school and earned more than around that much every month, and kept her savings in that bag. She since her young days had been an ardent disapprover of banks. She believed that banks are organizations for people who are not potent and willing enough to save money on their own. So once there was no dad, she started saving all her money for my future studies in that purse, which was apparently a secret. She used to keep telling me that just because I don’t have a father I have no right to limit my dreams and I have every right to look for the highest thing academically, be it NASA, and that she has enough savings to let me in it. Although I didn’t believe her exactly on the NASA bit, but yes, she had saved lots, almost in lakhs. My stealing hence remained almost non guilt able because I felt I have just taken one tenth of the money which was anyway going to be spent on me. I found a valid justification for myself.
I took the purse in my hand and opened its zip to fetch out myself some valuable 500 rupee notes. As I took out around four of those notes, I felt the density of the bunch of notes remaining not very impressive. So with all my gut, I took an effort in counting them. There were only 11 such notes remaining, which meant 5500 bucks. It was unnerving. I just took three 500 rupee notes the last month, and did not notice such low density of notes then. How then suddenly all the money had vanished? Had my mother opened an account in a bank recently? It seemed highly unlikely, for a stubborn lady at 55 to change her mind and take back her words which she had believed in for over thirty years. Then how was this possible? Had she found another place for her savings and this was only the leftovers of a long time saving? Or was it me, who over a period of five years, had used her money like this and enjoyed life with high class prostitutes and alcohol and drugs, and ‘occasional’ spending on some books for academic purpose? Had I spent her ‘lakhs’?
I was perplexed, and terrified. The thought of finishing up all her money made me not steal that night. I kept the 4 crispy notes each of half a grand back into the purse, and made my way out of the room, this time not on my toes. My ‘kathak’ feet didn’t make any sound. I went to my room and stared at the ceiling lying on my bed, not realizing when I fell asleep!
I woke up the next day rather early, in fact as early as 6:30. My traditional getting up time was around 10 am, and this perennial behavior was defied due to the previous night. I went back to my mother’s room to see in light what I felt in the dark the night before. But I ran inside once I reached the door to her bedroom. She was lying on the floor unconscious. On further examination, I discovered that she wasn’t breathing and there was no heart beat. I looked around and noticed the drawer. That particular drawer was still open. I had forgotten to push it close and lock it, so it remained open the whole night with the key on it.
The police came in a couple of hours. The post mortem report declared that she died due to a heart attack, and it was a natural death. I was unable to study after my graduation, and ended up opening a shop for electrical and hardware appliances near my house. I charge almost half the price other electricians and shops do for the same service. I run in heavy loss, and just manage to make a living.